Fear of Failure

I am afraid of a host of things; everything from horses, to buses, to the color purple to failure. To you, the average reader, some of my fears seem insignificant(like the color purple). However, to me, most of my fears are the same. Although, there is one that stands out among the rest; something that I fear so entirely much; something that permeates every aspect of my life. It is my fear since before I can remember(okay, that may be a slight exaggeration. But I've had this fear for awhile). I don't even know where to start when discussing this weighty matter that is my fear. In short, I am a man-pleaser. I do what people want(or what I think they want) to gain acceptance. I fear that if I am "myself"(whoever the heck that is!!) that people will not accept me. So I change myself..outwardly at least. I put on a face, a facade, if you will. I play the part. This deems me a hypocrite. I do not change myself for everyone; however. That is just some ways my fear affects my life: socially. It also affects me in the "work world". I tend to become complacent. I am content with mediocrity, with just being average .I fear that if I "step up", there is a chance of failure; so therefore, I would rather stay where I am(because I know it is safe) , on the bottom--I figure you can't get any lower than that, right? I would rather stay at a "sucky" job then go out in search of a new one, with the possibility of rejection. My life is the pure epitome of mediocrity. So far, I have discussed my fear of failure and its effects on my social life and my working life. My fear also affects my creative work, such as my paintings, my writings, my photographs, my music. When it comes to painting and drawing, I am very hesitant to even start making something. What if it doesn't turn out? I don't want to waste my resources on something that will be ugly. With my writings, if I don't life it, I can just throw it away. With my photographs, it's a but different somehow. I can never quite seem tot rid myself of them(see "I'm a Creating Destroyer") Sometimes I am hesitant about showing my photographs to others for fear that they won't like them. I put my heart and soul into those photographs; I couldn't stand the rejection of them...of me. The ways my fear affects my creations: I either don't create, create it then destroy it, or hide it. Those are the some specific areas in which my fear of failure affects my life. I will discuss some of the more general and often subtle ways my fear affects. I stick to convention because if I think of a innovative way to do something better, it might not pass, I might fail at it. therefore, I stick to convention. I find that I just do the same thing. I get stuck in a rut; although sometimes it feels as though I am between a rock and a hard place. But I must remember that I have put myself there. This is where my occasional spontaneity comes in handy. One day, I just decide I will not stick to convention. I throw out my plans. I do everything different. I buy a drum. I write a song. I dye my hair. My occasional spontaneity comes right when I need it. It saves me from myself, really. I don't fear or worry about anything when I am being spontaneous. It's such a freeing feeling. I am but a mere bird flying across the Pacific Ocean, not worrying where I will land when I get tired. I don't fear. I have been working on my fear, or somehow ridding myself of it. I am more spontaneous, yet still slightly predictable. I like this feeling much. In fact, I am liking this feeling so much that I might just throw out my fear altogether. Imagine that: a world in which manda doesn't fear. A lifetime in which manda doesn't fear. THAT is this world. THAT is in MY lifetime. I am ready not to fear. Watch me soar....