Happy [Old] Years

Well, I wasn't actually going to write anything in honor of the New Year: 2009. But, everybody else was doing it(..."and was jumping off the bridge" as well...). And as a writer, I felt an obligation to write something; since I'm no good at anything else. With that being said, I hereby now dedicate this note to, surprising as it may be, not the [New] Year, but in fact the [Old] One.
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I have given up on many things in my short life. One of those being setting New Years Resolutions. I never had the self-discipline to carry any of them out. So the hubbub of making resolutions seems rather pointless to me.
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Everybody goes to a party on New Years Eve and brings in the New Year on a high of friends, family, and alcohol. I'll take any excuse to have a party. I thank the New Year for coming just so that I can party. But for nothing else.
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So you want to know my real reason for hating the arrival of the New Year? Simply put: I have a problem [moving on]. Yeah, that's right. I have a problem moving on. And with the New Year, we are supposed to forget all of that and move forward with an eagerness and weightlessness, after having our burdens(extra baggage) lifted from our backs. But I have a problem letting that stuff go. What is "that stuff" you ask. I'll tell: mistakes, mostly, stupid stupid mistakes...regrets: the should haves, the could haves(in psych they call this "musterbating")...the good times: and the times that can never be again...the friends that leave...the friendships that fall apart...blah blah blah.
It almost seems as though I don't [want] to let the stuff go. Almost as if that is the only thing that defines me....and it does.
When the New Year arrives, it calls on us to forget the past...and move ahead. But that's just it, I don't [want] to forget. I [can't] forget.
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So you see my hesitation with the New Year's arrival.
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Today(otherwise termed as the first day of the godforsaken New Year) was not what one would call a "good day" for me. I woke up late to loud noises coming from the other areas of my house. This immediately irritated me. I ate something for lunch I didn't want to eat. I played the piano heartlessly(something that should never be done). I wanted no one to talk to me...acknowledge me. I saw a sad movie and didn't cry. I sat, apathetic, thinking of my past and the subsequent storms as a result of it. I went home alone, per say. But I wasn't alone. My past was standing in my shadow, always by my side. I walked to the kitchen and [2008] was right there, wanting to eat too. I read the paper, and [2008] was sitting by my side, with its glasses on, reading along. [2008] followed me wherever I went.
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I have many fears. One of them is of moving on. I suppose I see moving on as forgetting(which I don't want to do). But instead, I need to see it as embracing what happened and becoming better for it. I'll try that this year: 2009. Well see how it goes. But so far, I have wasted one day of 2009 already. But I do have 364 more days to go.
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So with that, I say:
"Happy Embrace 2008 and Become Better for It!!!"