Changing My Mindset

My body is not used to this cold air. The way it reacts is quite extreme. It shakes. It shivers. I wish I were swallowed up in a cozy red chair seated next to a blazing fire as I sip steaming hot tea from the perfect cuddle cup. My wish can never be fulfilled. I must sit here, subjected to this freezing cold air, body shaking and shivering. Nothing I do can warm my body. But I must say that it almost doesn't matter that my body is cold. My soul is warmed by the fellowship with family and friends. My spirit is filled, and flowing over, with love. I cannot explain this feeling of love. I do not understand this intangible idea of love. It is ever most difficult for me to grasp intangible concepts, that can just merely by felt, not touched and seen. It is hard to understand why people love. It is hard to understand why God loves me, a worthless being. How could He love me so much as to die for me? Maybe he died on the cross, an outward showing of His love, that I might better be able to grasp this concept of love a little more. It shows me that love is not just a feeling; I now see it manifested as actions. When one feels love for another, it will cause them to act a certain way. Love should sine through my words and actions. My words don't always tell of love; my actions don't always show love. I am human. But I must not make that an excuse. I have to overcome that with God's help. He can help me tell love with my words; He can help my show love through my actions. It tears me apart when I hurt people with my words and actions. I often turn people away even when they are caring for me. I realize that this hurts them. My actions say "I don't care that you care about me. I don't want you to care about me." My actions aren't of gratitude--"Thanks for caring. I appreciate it...I love you." That is what I "need" to say. That is what I WILL say. I have also recently discovered why I find it so difficult an frustrating to change. I can point out all of my flaws in what I do and what I am. Once I discover that flaw, I then say, "I 'need' to change that. I 'need' to do this..." Then I am left with a long list of all of the "I need to"s. This is overwhelming. I don't internalize it. I don't personalize it. I make it passive, just like I am. I don't apply it. I realized that I "need" to make those phrases into actions. Instead of saying "I 'need' to..", I now say "I DO do.." This is much more reasonable. I take one thing at a time, taking the outward steps to change, taking ACTION to change. It is a determination--a promise to myself. I am tired of being passive. I will have an active part in my life. I will take what I know I "need" to do from my mind and put it into action. I will take my negative energy/thoughts and convert it to positive actions. I WILL. I DO.
But changing the way one thinks can be difficult and again overwhelming. It is much easier to break it into smaller steps. That's what I had to do with my way of thinking. How can one get from I "need" to I DO? I sat and tried to discover exactly how I could make that quantum leap from passiveness into activeness. I first had to discover what my current mindset was. It was distant. It was cold. The phrase prevailed: "I 'need'..." Okay, so I've established a "need." What next? This is what I had the most problems with. Moving past the "need" and solving the "need" with my actions was definitely necessary; but it seemed to me to be an impossible task. I struggled. I knew I "needed" to do something; but it was easy to forget about that "need" and just brush it aside saying, "I'll deal with it later." That's exactly what I did. But every so often, I have an epiphany. I came across a grand idea of how to personalize the "need". I "need" to want it. I took out my "I 'need' to..." list and replaced every word "need" with want. It become my "Want List: I want to..." I want to change. While this mindset did personalize it a little more, it was still very distant and unapplicable. The want list soon became a "wish list". As with every wish list, not all of the wishes come to fruition. That's what I thought about my list. "I can't do all of these things. It'll just never happen."But I knew I "needed" to cahnge that mindset; and according to my list, I apparently wanted to change my mindset. Okay, so...what's next? I went from seeing the "need" to wanting to change it. What can I do now? I thought and thought. I wanted to change so badly it became frustrating when I didn't know what to do next. Like clockwork, I came across a grand idea! I "need" to believe I have the ability to change...I want to believe Ihave the ability to change...I can change. As I began to change my mindset, it became more personal. I was afraid of this. I had never--NEVER--confronted myself like this before. I have never thought like this. For a time, I crawled back into my hole, realizing my worthlessness. I was afraid. I was running from my newly and even self-given responsibility to change. I was then ashamed that I feared this change. All of the sudden, I did not want to change; although I still needed to change. I was back at the drawing board. I fell back into my old mindset of being distant. I decided that I would try to forget the fact that I ever wanted to change and actually thought I had the ability to change! I created a new list, yet it was all too familiar. The "I need to..." list was back in effect. Things were back to normal..at least how I know them to be normal. Things were going "fine" for a time until something hit me: I need to cahfe my mindset. I couldn't get the process I had started to take out of my head. I sat at my desk, staring once again at the drawing board. I saw the wastebasket out of the corner of my eye. In the wastebasket laid the "i want to..." list. I was taken back. "Yes," I thought, "I want to change my mindset." I burned my "i need to..." list. Before my want list turned into a wish list, I changed my mindset. I took the next step, very hesitantly might I add. I feared again. I knew i didn't need to fear. I didn't want to fear. I cannot fear. I shredded my want list and soon constructed the "i can..." list. I was excited with my new list. I had a new-found determination to tackle this list. I indeed believed that I had the ability to change. I was eager to take the next step, maybe a little prematurely though. So, yet again, I sat down at my drawing board, pondering my next step to change. I started from the beginning. I discovered a need. I wanted to change my mindset. I have the ability to change my mindset. I paused, my pencil hovering above my paper. I knew what I had to do next. But it struck me like lightening. All of the sudden, it was all so personal. It applied to me. I did not want to write it down. The implications of it were too strong. The responsibilities that it held were too many. I thought, "I cannot do this." I looked at my drawing board again. I realized in my past few thoughts I was falling back into my old mindset. On top of the paper that lie on my desk, in big bold letters, I read: "I WANT...I CAN..." I mustered up the strength to overcome my fear. I added to that list. I wrote: "I will/do..." After I had identified my abilty to change, I needed to do something with that ability. I needed to take that ability and turn it into action. That'w what I did(and still continue to do). I still find it difficult to be active because I have been passive nearly my whole life. One afternoon, I was walking past my drawing board and noted the papers that lied thereon. I sat down. "Can I get anymore personal?" I thought. I again took up my pen in my hand and began to write the rpocess I had been through. "I need...I want...I can....I will/do..." "Will" seemed still kind of impersonal to me; the future tense made me put off the action--it was still distant from me. I crossed it out. All that was written on the new paper was "I do..." That was much better. It was in the present tense and indicated on going action. "PERFECT!" I thought. That is where I stand in this whole process. Sometimes I do momentarily slip back into my old mindset; but I recognize it more quickly and do change it right away. I must constantly change things about me. I must have an active part in my own life. "DO" helps me accomplish that. I do change. "I DO...."